The first memories Carr Benton had of life, were of sitting in a tiny rocking chair. He had a wooden toy airplane in his hand and waved it around as he was saying “Airplane go zoom, airplane go zoom.” The sun was shining through a screen door and he remembers how pleasant the day was. In his memories, the sunlight and stark shadows gave the room a modern art feel. Geometrical shapes teased from an orange and black palette. He remembers too, his mother sitting on the sofa smiling at him and laughing every time he said “Zoom”. As time passed, he concluded if this is all it took, life was going to be easy.
He lived in the boondocks, as his cousins would say. His Dad owned a feed store that sold animal feeds, tack, animal medicines, seeds, and anything farm related. Being the only feed store for miles in a rural farm region made him try to have on hand anything a farmer might need. He could even arrange for a poultry hatchery to have baby ducks, chickens, or turkeys sent to your farm. He was the one-stop solution for farmers. All of this was created by a quiet man who devoted himself to his business and family.
All the world’s a stage
And all the men and women merely players.
“As You Like It”
Shakespeare
Carr’s mother: Hellen Benton took those words to heart. She was the English teacher in the local school. Teaching in such a tiny village meant she was instructing the kids for their last 7 years of public education. Middle School through High School and she loved it. The fact that she would teach a kid for that long was a great opportunity for her. Reading, writing, grammar, spelling, American literature, and English literature were all under her purview. This tiny little town’s children knew what a semicolon was and its proper use. A kid was not going to escape her clutches without something rubbing off on him.
His acts being seven ages. At first the infant,
Mewling and puking in the nurse’s arms;
“As You Like It”
Shakespeare
This is what his mother said when her new son was given to her in the hospital for the first time. Hellen never let an opportunity pass her by. She thought that language was more than subjects, verbs, and objects. This Baby Carr swaddled in a baby blanket and in his mother’s arms, did not know it yet, but he was going to learn the classics and poetry soon. Momma spoke in rhetorical flourishes and if he wanted to know what his mom was saying he was going to have to spool up fast. Just learning how to speak was not going to be enough. The language was to be the sword in the Noble Knight’s hand. When he said his first word “Momma”, she just stared unimpressed. As if she was waiting on him to finish the statement.
Carr’s early life was fantastic. In a small town in a rural area, nothing is better for a boy. Summertime was like eating cheesecake and never getting full. The days were filled with pick-up ball games, tadpoles in ponds, throwing rocks at rabbits, and fishing. One day he hit and killed a rabbit with a rock. While looking at the poor animal, he realized what he had done. That was the last time he threw a rock at a living creature. Summertime was for learning.
His favorite thing to do was ride his bike. It had balloon tires and coaster brakes. That machine was his pride and joy. Clothespins and playing cards in the spokes made for a noisy ride. Announcing his arrival wherever he went. That was a good change of pace from time to time. His main pursuit was going as fast as he could on a gravel road and then locking up the coaster brake for a hook slide. One foot standing on the pedal to engage the brake and the other foot is on the gravel to guide the sliding bike. That was his passion. How far could he slide? How fancy was the hook he tracked in the gravel? These were questions that he tried to answer thousands of times. Of course, there were maintenance considerations. His Dad’s toolbox had a Crescent wrench that was used to take the wheels out of the frame. From there everything else was easy. Cleaning and oiling the chain, taking apart the braking mechanism, and adjusting the seat and handlebars. The learning of how to take it apart and put it back together filled some inner needs he had. This bike represented his love of speed and freedom.
His Dad brought home a fancy basket for his bike. He never questioned his good fortune. This basket was going to carry all the things a boy might need throughout the day. Bat, glove, softball, books for school, and whatever else he might find along his way. Later, he realized his mother would never go to the store again for the few items she may need to complete the meal she was preparing. He was his Dad’s TV remote and his Mother’s delivery service. Not all modern conveniences are an improvement to daily life. Some things have done little more than relieve our youngsters of any responsibilities they had to the family. Trying to figure out why today’s young have no respect or sense of belonging may require looking no further than the remote in your hand, or the cellphone in theirs.
School was another matter for Carr. It was easy and fun. He was smart and a little sponge for new information. Everyone thought he got it from his mom. His Dad is where he got his IQ points. His Mother supplied the language arts. It was not uncommon for her to stand in her chair at the dinner table and deliver a poem to help with a point she was making.
Scourged to his dungeon, but, sustained and soothed
By an unfaltering trust, approach thy grave,
Like one who wraps the drapery of his couch
About him, and lies down to pleasant dreams.”
Thanatopsis
William Cullen Bryant
Was one of her favorite poems to quote. Complete with arm gestures and all the theater she could muster while standing in her chair at the table. His Dad would have leaned to one side to look around the light fixture to see her and more importantly, get her attention.
“Shit” he exclaimed after listening to the complete poem. “I would like to talk to someone who has not been dead for a hundred years. Besides, we were discussing the family budget.” Just another family meal. His Dad would have it no other way. Many times throughout the day, his Father would wonder to himself, “What is she going to come up with next?” She never failed to amaze and surprise him.
Much to Helen’s joy, Carr loved to read. She would suggest books to him that he would devour. When he was finished with a book, they would sit at the kitchen table and talk about what he read and what he thought about it. The Socratic Method at her kitchen table. She never thought she would be so lucky. Carr’s grasp of what he read was amazing.
Carr’s academic abilities were soon noticed by more people than just his parents. Formalized testing in the school system drew attention to him. He loved school and never made less-than-perfect scores. His perfect little world changed when other adults became aware of his existence. His Mother always treated him special; this is what mothers do. Now strangers came into his life. They were educators who were going to fill his life with all sorts of opportunities he supposedly never knew existed. Their first order of business was to get him involved in University Interscholastic League (UIL) math and writing competitions. He won all the competitions and drew more attention to himself.
Hellen was so proud of her son. He excelled in all of the things she thought were most important in life. She thought he must have a photographic memory. That was the only way to explain his ability to remember large passages from a book. His ability to remember poems was another ability she held up as proof of his memory abilities. In truth, he loved reading and would devote himself completely to the subject matter. How could you not remember what you loved? His math ability came from the patterns he found in the numbers. Change everything to a simpler form, perform the mathematical operation and then factor back in the numbers he altered. It was a game to Carr and he loved it. To Helen, he was a son to be proud of.
Circumstances conspired against Hellen. Her son was double promoted in school to keep him challenged academically. His ability to learn was soon challenging the school system. The teachers could not keep up with his pace of learning and teach his classmates at the same time. This is also where the seeds of his becoming an asshole were planted. They needed to get him in an environment where he had to compete to succeed. Give the Lad some balance. Fortunately, his successes in Interscholastic League competitions made the job of finding resources to challenge him easy. As soon as Helen let it be known they were looking for a more challenging school for Carr. The machinery was put in motion.
There was a volunteer from the University Interscholastic League who was also a lawyer and Harvard graduate. He wanted to help with finding a school for Carr. He suggested they apply to Phillips Exeter in New Hampshire for his last three years of high school. From there he wanted to help him get into Harvard. So they had a professional helping the family with all the paperwork. Hellen was thrilled, this was rarified air and she wanted to make the best decisions regarding her son. He had the grades and test scores to qualify. The hurdle was the interview process. Turns out that was the easy part. When a 12-year-old boy wants to study the classics and can demonstrate he has a firm grasp of what they are saying. As far as Phillips Exeter was concerned, he fell into the “We need one of those” categories.
The realization of what she had done was now beginning to sink in on Hellen. She was sending her little boy 1800 miles away to go to school. No more nightly sessions to talk about what he was reading. Be careful of what you wish for. The unintended consequence is you will lose your baby too soon. She knew what an opportunity this was for her son, but it was all happening too fast. She was slowly beginning to accept this and was trying to put the best face on the situation. The lawyer was trying to help them with all of the application processes and tried to get them a scholarship for the tuition. Much to the lawyer’s surprise. Feed stores in agricultural areas do quite well. Not only did they not qualify for a scholarship, but they could also easily afford the tuition. The lawyer discovered that the boy got his intellect from his Dad. Daddy had put together quite an agricultural empire.
For Carr, the journey began. He found himself in Exeter New Hampshire with a lot of very smart boys. As in every high IQ grouping of people, there were lots of really neat and imaginative people to make friends with. All of these boys led sheltered lives and were not inclined to too much mischief, what they did do was witty. Wit came in many flavors there. Bawdy, acerbic, dry, and subtle was de rigueur. A fun atmosphere.
“Intelligence more readily recognizes itself.”
Boswell on Johnson
He neglected to say, in others too. These boys recognized it in their new classmates. The prospect of not having to spend gym class inside their lockers was a breath of fresh air for many of the lads. They were with other young men from all over the United States. All of them were different and none of them had a mean streak in their bones, nothing that physically manifested itself. They did have a few that dabbled in being provocateurs. That was what Carr liked the most. On the whole a civilized crowd, To come from rural life to being exposed to people from the large eastern cities was quite a learning experience. There were different ethnicities and religions, and that is what Carr liked the best.
That is where he got to meet Jewish boys. There were no Jews where he lived, and he had never met any. Aside from the stereotypes proffered by the bigots, he knew little of the Jewish people. He knew they were smart. Jews were a rarity in his area of the country, but not in literature, math, and sciences. That does not even scratch the surface of their accomplishments. They were heavily involved with everything Carr thought important. During the Adolf Eichman war crimes trial his mother would walk through the house with tears streaming down her face crying, “How could people do that to each other?” They were number one on his “Get to Know” list. He did not know what to expect but with all the P.R. they received, he expected a “Snap, Crackle, and Pop” upon meeting them.
The Jewish boys did not disappoint. They were left of center and lots of fun. Their conversations did cover the Jew-Gentile spectrum from time to time. Carr admitted he did not know any Jews and was looking forward to learning about them. They loved that and took it upon themselves to teach him. As it turns out, being Jewish is a responsibility too. They gave their circumstances lots of thought. Navel gazing was elevated to an art form. Libraries were filled with books explaining the Jewish experience. So, when it came to explaining what it is like to be Jewish, they were loaded for bear.
Guilt, the gift that keeps on giving, was mentioned often during these conversations. Carr told them how his mother when exasperated with him would lift her blouse and show him her stretch marks. “This is what you have done to me, and you won’t stop, will you?” she would say. They were stunned. They had to admit this showed a level of expertise few would attempt. “Are you sure your mother isn’t Jewish?” they asked.
The school was not that hard for Carr. He loved to learn and found comfort in reading the thoughts of others. After he graduated from high school he applied for and got accepted into Harvard. Now he was there: the ultimate destination for the self-aware. His Mother was beside herself with pride. She was consumed with being a proud momma. That is probably why she waited so long before she had those lumps in her breasts checked out. She just did not have the time to focus on herself.
Carr was well into his freshman year when his mother was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer. When it was found it had already spread to other organs in her body. The prognosis was bad, but Helen kept it from her son. She made her husband promise the same. They let Carr know she had cancer but talked about it in a way that led him to believe it was treatable. Hellen would have been the type of woman who could have milked a death scene. However, the most important thing to her was for her son to finish school. That is what she wanted, a child that appreciated the written word. That is what she got and nothing was more important than leaving behind that part of herself in her child.
He wasn’t a dummy and knew the signs of deteriorating health. Weight loss, ashen pallor, and her lack of mental acuity were signs this was much worse than he was led to believe. His father called him at school and told him to not take any courses for the summer session. He needed to be home with the family. He had been coming home frequently and it was an easy matter to rearrange everything to be able to leave in two days.
When he walked into her bedroom, he was taken aback by how much she had worsened since he had seen her four months ago. The bedroom had been converted into a hospice care facility. Hospital bed, wheelchair, rolling tables, oxygen bottles, IV drips, and a large metal tray covered with bottles of pills. Four large chairs were arranged near the bed for visitors. No part of her room or bathroom didn’t scream “Someone sick lives here”. A full-time Hospice nurse was sitting in one of the chairs. She had a book in her lap which she readily set aside for any movement from his mom. When he was introduced to her as Hellens’ son, the nurse’s demeanor changed.
She immediately started to explain to him what all of the things in the room were for. Her actions toward him let him know that he was now an attendant. What was unsaid was, “She was there when you took your first breath, and you will be here when she takes her last.” The cancer had spread to her lungs and was wreaking havoc with her breathing. She required oxygen and her breathing was labored to just keep up. Every few hours the nurse administered morphine to help manage the pain.
On her last day, she seemed stronger and more lucid. She did let Carr know that she wanted to know all about Harvard and all of his friends. He spent the majority of the day narrating what his life was like at school. When he thought he had exhausted the subject in between heavy breaths she would say “Details”. That is when he noticed his mother looked beatific while he spoke.
That afternoon the fight became too hard for her to continue. She looked at her son and asked for a drink of water, he didn’t notice the straw wasn’t submerged in the water. When he noticed, he told her what happened and that he would get it right for her this time. She just smiled at him and shook her head no, She did want him to get her a pill or do something to help her go. Instantly something deep inside him took control. “Oh Mommy, not that, I can’t!” That is when as if by magic, his father appeared. He lifted her head and removed the oxygen cannula from her head.
She started to pant and struggle to breathe. After ten minutes or so she said, “I’m still alive.” That is when the nurse gave her more morphine. She relaxed and stopped the struggle. Her breaths became slower and then sporadic. Finally, she started to slowly exhale. The “Death Rattle” ensued as the last air exited her lungs. He was looking into her eyes and saw them dilate completely. If the eyes are the windows to the soul, the eyes are how the soul departs. He then placed his hand on her face, knowing this was the last bit of warmth he would get from his momma.
He then turned his attention to his father. He didn’t cry, he just started packing up all of the medical equipment and placing it near the front door. The light in him died that day. After the funeral, he told Carr, “Hurry back to school and graduate. Remember, you’re your mother’s son, do it with style,”